about

Iris.

Lucy van Pelt incarnate at Brown University.


Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.
Arthur Schopenhauer (via theepitomeofnonchalance)

(Source: princess-being, via fuckyeahexistentialism)

Thoughts on (Sub-)Adult Life
  • "You will learn that doing one thing slowly, but perfectly is always better than doing many things quickly and making one mistake."
  • p = mv applies not only to discrete objects, but also to companies—the larger a company is, the slower it moves for the most part.
  • I am conflicted how I feel about working. I like the overall company visions and goals, but many times when you look away from the big picture, things are much less exciting and much less productive.
  • It makes me happy to talk with so many different people in this short time and learn from others. Everyone has a different story and everyone fits differently in this company system.
  • It feels nice to see a paycheck, but taxes make me cringe.
  • Buyer’s remorse is very real.

random memory—

once when i was at a club a guy either said “you are very intoxicating” or “you are very intoxicated”

i still wonder which one he said.

two very different thoughts
  • i was supposed to come back from shopping and eat my siggis but i just remembered this but i have already brushed my teeth. ugH
  • what if instead of giving out phone numbers people gave out their tumblr url or their linkedin or something. the world would be a very different place and i’m not sure if i’d like to live in that world.
a longer version (or “On Attraction”)

The whole idea of attraction has been bothering me lately.

Not that I was ever a big follower of the “opposites attract” slogan, but this year I’ve fallen off that bandwagon completely. The obsession with opposites attracting is understandable. It gives us hope that “love” can transcend societal constraints and judgments, that feelings will transpire no matter the context. But are such expectations realistic? Oftentimes (if not all the time), we look for people we’re similar to, whether it be in class, religious identity, level of education, etc.

Superficialities aside, we look for people with the same world view, vision, and priorities.

Recently I’ve started to feel like people appreciate me for the “wrong” reasons. As wonderful as it is to have people acknowledge a skill or attribute I feel less confident in, I’m disappointed that they don’t recognize me instead for qualities I am immensely proud of.

I’m trying my best not to be ungrateful for the loving people around me, but sometimes it’s hard to find someone who is on the same wavelength.

"At the end of the day all we want to do is date ourselves." And I mean that in a serious way almost—sometimes I feel like there has to be an incredible likeliness for true understanding.

macaroni semester, rice pudding summer
  • i sighed a lot today
  • hm they sounded like sighs but it’s more like big exhales.
  • big exhales to counteract big inhales. and big inhales because today i felt like i hadn’t breathed in a while.
  • had the sudden realization if i don’t breathe in a long while it’s probably because i’m dead.
  • i sighed more after that.
  • recently, my two favorite indulgences are doing a face mask and painting my nails.
  • somehow, i’ve become more attention-seeking, higher maintenance since high school. little person to lipstick-wearing, nail-painting, big-sighing…thing.
  • not sure how to describe this transition into…something else i wasn’t before.

  • reminds me of that one scene in the windup bird chronicle when may talks about microwaving
  • “It’s like when you put instant rice pudding mix in a bowl in the microwave and push the button, and you take the cover off when it rings, and there you’ve got rice pudding. I mean, what happens in between the time when you push the switch and when the microwave rings? You can’t tell what’s going on under the cover. Maybe the instant rice pudding first turns into macaroni gratin in the darkness when nobody’s looking and only then turns back into rice pudding. We think it’s only natural to get rice pudding after we put rice pudding mix in the microwave and the bell rings, but to me, that is just a presumption. I would be kind of relieved if, every once in a while, after you put rice pudding mix in the microwave and it rang and you opened the top, you got macaroni gratin. I suppose I’d be shocked, of course, but I don’t know, I think I’d be kind of relieved too. Or at least I think I wouldn’t be so upset, because that would feel, in some ways, a whole lot more real.”
  • rice pudding mix : rice pudding :: child : adult
  • maybe adolescence is the not-quite rice pudding slush of maturation, but then again maybe it’s just macaroni gratin.
  • put disorder in the order and it feels a whole lot more real.
  • i’ve been in the mood for throwbacks lately. 80/90s chinese classics specifically. not entirely sure why this is.
  • people always say that hearing music you were attached to transports you back to those times you had the songs on repeat so perhaps i’m trying to remind myself of what i know for sure—rice pudding mix is rice pudding mix even if i don’t know what it’s going to be next
  • but even in this revisitation to the past, this grasp at static memories, there’s something off. macaroni seeping into pudding and polluted nostalgia.
  • and now it’s happening the other way around too.

  • move faster and the slower time runs, move faster and the shorter things become
  • relative, relative, relativity and reference frames
  • framing memories in the present, the present in the nostalgia
  • beware of reference frames
  • be aware of perspectives
  • being conscious of one task but did you see the broken heart?
  • last month, we joked a lot about karmic encounters in class.
  • past pulling into present, last week i met someone.
  • "like they do in the old romances"
  • (“but this is not a love story.”)
  • this is, however, a logical, mathematical world.
  • arbitrary symbols describe phenomena and maybe even ‘govern’ the world around us.
  • consistency in prediction, correctness in calculation. i should be screaming for joy.
  • and yet of all the topics i focused on this semester i’ve hated that aspect the most
  • these hollow and empty concepts never explain why. mechanism reduced to equation and correlation.
  • detailed investigation of the microwave cover but we’re not looking at what’s inside. science question: is it macaroni or rice pudding?
  • put disorder in the order and it feels a whole lot more real.
  • this semester has been a giant microwave, the rice pudding mix stirring inside of me.
  • and now i’m starting to peel back the cover

crema-cream:

New Harvest Coffee and Spirits—Grand Opening (11/20)

Children, adults, and people every age in between showed up tonight to celebrate the opening of the newest (and I daresay, best?) coffee shop in Providence. As one of few shops that serves both coffee and cocktails, NHCS stands out from other local cafes in the quality of its drinks and its unique offerings of coffee cocktails such as “Korate Kid” and “Controversy.”

Its team of dedicated baristas/bartenders not only served drinks tonight, but also offered free hors d’oeuvres. Finger foods ranging from cheese to mousse cake were placed in an adjacent stall for customers to pair with their drinks. I personally thought that the mousse cake was perfect with a cortado.

Cheers to the grand opening.

Check out my little coffee blog for hip shops around Providence and the Bay Area, home brew tips, and all sorts of caffeinated thingamajigs. c:

BUSUN XVII

To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect out of BUSUN when I dragged into this back in March though for the most part, I thought it would be like “playing house” with high school kids. While I have a fair share of negative/constructive criticism, BUSUN has been an eye-opening experience. As my first headway into anything MUN-related, I came out of it understanding parliamentary procedure and knowing how to assert my presence in a room full of shouting people. (Too bad it took also big chunk out of my weekend.)

I got into JWW 301 on Friday afternoon and stayed in it for much longer than I wanted to for the next three days. I chaired the CPC (Communist Party of China) Joint Crisis Committee during the WWII Pacific Theater and spent my weekend listening to debate on diplomacy and military strategy, asking for “points and motions at this time,” and banging the gavel whenever I could. While the delegates brought up good points, they failed to meet my expectations of preparedness. Most of them seemed to have little to no understanding of the actual historical timeline and were BS-ing their way through debate.

Actual quotes:

  • "Perhaps we should consider allying with Japan."
  • "Peking." (Pronounced "pecking")
  • "I would like to move 5,000 troops to Beijing to attack the 200,000 Japanese forces there."

Because I was playing as the Chairman for the duration of the committee, I dressed up as Mao on Saturday. Over the course of the day, I got both compliments and snide remarks regarding my clothing choice, ranging from a disapproving “Communist…” to a respectful “Good evening, comrade.”

Too much caffeine (to the point where I may be slightly addicted…), a sore throat, and fifteen hours of committee session later, I have emerged from my prison. If it’s possible to have a MUN-hangover, I am pretty sure I had one. I woke up the next day after 11 hours of sleep, unrested and bogged down by a migraine. I spent the entire day doing much of nothing.

In retrospect, perhaps the most genuine and meaningful thing I could’ve said during awards was “You kids were the only reason I woke up early every day.”

What’s so Liberal about Brown?

Background information: 1, 2, 3. (Highly suggested! At least the first one.)

In light of what happened today at the Raymond Kelly lecture, it seems almost necessary for all Brown students to reflect on their actions and/or stance on the matter.

My reaction was very much like that of Paxson’s—I felt somewhat disgraced that some peers refused to listen to a different opinion, however controversial, and closed a lecture that could have been insightful to other members of the community. But Douglas (see link 3 above) raises a good point:

I am not at all surprised that many folks opposed to Kelly’s policies didn’t even entertain asking him questions. Why? Because I was never taught that if I simply ask a well-thought-out question, someone in a position of power will listen to me. Because collective action, chanting, and protest is many communities’ only hope of being heard in a society that is simply unwilling to acknowledge their voices. 

I don’t understand the logic that if those opposed to Kelly would just ask him questions, somehow some greater truth would be told. That is simply a privileged understanding of how politics and debate operates in our country.

And I agree with that wholeheartedly: our world is not equal and what Kelly is doing in NYC isn’t helping the situation. But I think it’s also important to keep in mind that Kelly was invited to speak at Brown University and that the Brown Bubble is different from the rest of the world because of the “liberal” environment.

Protestors achieved their goal of being heard today. But two questions arise from that:

  1. What does that voice project? Is it necessarily a positive, productive opinion?
  2. What about the voices of those who didn’t agree with the protest?

Because I don’t think that the “activism” demonstrated today was an accurate representation of all Brown students’ views on Kelly’s policies, nor was it a good way to express disapproval of certain viewpoints as it was a personal attack on an invited guest. Instead what was projected today was immature and very “stereotypically Brown-like.”

"Stereotypically Brown-like" as in:

  • Using words/phrases such as “heteronormative”; “check your privilege”; “misogynistic”
  • Liberal
  • Feminist
  • Politically correct

And I’d like to think I’m liberal and feminist (and I try to be PC?) at least at the national scale, but at Brown it seems like I’m shifted to the middle or even the right. I don’t feel the need to express my opinions on policies like Stop-and-Frisk as much as others, but that doesn’t mean I agree with them. But somehow I feel pressured to voice my opinions more, because that’s what a “true Brown student” would do—feel empowered by their college education and unique background to speak up about what they think is right or wrong.

Sometimes it feels like the most voiced opinions on this campus are the most liberal and the silenced voices are those who lie in the middle because we don’t feel strongly enough to speak up about what we believe. And today because of our silence and respect, we were denied the chance to hear Kelly speak, to understand his reasoning behind his decision to implement the policies, to educate ourselves.

Hearing him speak doesn’t mean agreeing with his policies, but denying his right to speak does mean closing the platform for the exchange of ideas and thought. And because of that, I truly question why we’re trying to hold on so dearly to our Brown stereotype of “liberal but close-minded.”

Philosophy 111
  • Our lives are paths.
  • The most probable path is “fate.”
  • The most probable path and the best (or worst) path are often not the same thing.
  • The probability distribution of these life paths could be continuous. But they can also look like a step function. We don’t really know.
  • Does the most probable path exist when no one is aware of its existence? Just as how a coin that has never been flipped before does not have a probability for heads/tails (based on the frequency interpretation). Just as how particles don’t have deterministic properties before we measure them?
  • Just as how the moon doesn’t exist when no one looks at it?
  • There are no realist interpretations that adequately explain the world for me and I’ve somehow come to accept that suddenly.
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