• I went to the Blue Room to get an iced coffee.
• The worker asked, “Room for milk?”
• I said, “No.”
• He gave me room for milk.

 

• mlia

Maybe I’ve just been sleeping too much lately but it’s hard to fall asleep these days even when I’m tired. There are 10 days left until the end of the school year so maybe I’m just trying to be awake for as many of these last 240 hours as possible. That maybe just having my eyes open, my mind conscious, will allow me to take home (wherever that might be now) with me the essence of being in an environment where I have more often than not questioned myself and failed and learned not to accept that as the final resolution.

It’s a strange feeling to stand on the terrace and realize that I’ll never watch the sunrise from the recycling room on lonesome early mornings, hungry for sleep but full of love for the struggle. No more turning up the heat (even when it’s 65 outside) to emulate the toasty California warmth when Midori’s not in either. Goodbye to late-night Gate runs (literal and metaphorical) and napping underneath the lounge tables at 4AM. In less than two weeks, all this will be gone and I’ll be on another continent in a different time.

To leave home for home. I said a couple of days ago, Providence will never be home. As a city, it’s never lived up to my wants and needs but it’s true: home is where the heart is and my heart beats with both the warmth of the sun at Bellano and the warmth of the sun at Prospect, the coffee talks and holiday bashes with DDD and the sometimes late-night, sometimes drunken, sometimes both conversations with the OBA girls and walks with cats and walks in Andrews. Split into two, I’ll forever be dreaming about the opposite coast.

Maybe this isn’t the time to be sentimental and reflective but it’s hard to ignore the end of freshman year and the gnawing and sobering sadness I feel every morning I wake up.

Tomorrow is the housing lottery and to prepare for this stressful night Richelle sent me the following message via Facebook:

This is unacceptable. Fun things are happening this weekend and I can’t have fun because I have so much work to get done. :(:(:(:(:(

Sometimes I try my hardest to be cute. The good weather’s got me feeling like a daisy and everyone deserves hugs. Looks like I’m only getting three hours tonight! Running on coffee tomorrow. Wee! Whipping out the “Hello Darkness” blend for this special occassion. Excited as hell to finally perform Pirates of Penzance and see billions of pre-frosh on campus this weekend!

• I’m working through problem sets at ABP and I feel like the reactions and mechanisms are mocking me.
• Yesterday I bought shoes and I don’t even feel happy about it.
• I don’t want to drink coffee.
• I don’t even want to eat chocolate.
• I don’t want to eat anything in general.
• It’s also taking me longer to sleep even though I’m dead tired by the end of the day.

All I want is good sunshine and weather and a little bit of time with the best people I know and a lot of time for the books I have yet to read and a slight breeze for the times I decide to go biking but spring break is over and California is 3125 miles away by car, 1000 hours away by foot, and 81 days away from now, and I know I’m just complaining about my privileged life in this privileged environment and that at the bottom of it all I’m happy (or at least I think I am) and that at the end of the day no grade is going to matter more than the people that I love and love me back but I’m tired and sometimes I don’t think I can fix all the problems I have and that not even the best cup of coffee, not even the prettiest pair of heels, and not even the biggest hug can solve my issues, and that is frustrating beyond comprehension to me.

Sometimes, when I am doing orgo I start laughing. But I can’t tell if I’m laughing because I don’t get any of the material or crying because I don’t get any of the material. I don’t get any of the material.

brb laughing/crying.

• There’s a long weekend coming up! I’ve been meaning to devote some time towards exploring the city and it’s only during days off that I realize how little I know about this place I call my second home.
• I passed by White Electric Coffee today and this has potential.
• My V60 handpour set came today. Still no scale, no grinder, but CVS was selling peaches in hexagonal jars so now I have coffee containers (for only a dollar each).
• Purity Ring is amazing. The Weeknd is amazing. JT is amazing. Passion Pit is amazing.
• The new semester doesn’t start until a HSM sesh happens.
• Reading is good. Playing uke is good. I’m finally starting to spend less time on the computer in my free time and learning to treasure the time I spend around people because asides from sleeping and going to class I basically just do homework in my room like a good Asian.

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